Tuesday, November 2, 2010

"Air R E ?"

About 4 years ago when grand daughter Allana was just beginning to put sentences together, she and I took a different route home to her mothers. I was in the mood for a change so I took the winding road  home along the river just outside of Pontiac ,Illinois. As we traveled, Allana suddenly yelled from the car seat , "Yaya !
Air  R   E ? " This was toddler talk for "Where are we ?"

That phrase is echoing in my head this am (and when added to all the other voices in that cranium of mine it makes it hard to hear the phone ringing some days. And you people thought I did not answer the phone because I was so busy. )

"Where are we ?" Meaning what do I do today ? Before, I would cram it all into the week as I worked all weekend nights and slept all day Saturday and Sunday and needed Mondays to recover but now I have a different schedule. "Retired" but only as a nurse. I feel odd ( so what else is new?), disoriented (again, how is this different ? ) It is, I tell you. Its all different. I've always  brought steady money into the house and if we had an extra need on the farm I just worked an extra shift at the hospital, it was that easy. But now I have to put my money where my mouth is . Like there is room in my gob with all the Captain Crunch thats been shoved in there lately. Anxiety munching is the technical term. Of course its Organic Captain Crunch ! I'm insulted you would even ask.

Back to the main topic. Confusion. Like a piglet in high grass, I am uncertain of my direction.

How much time do I spend  writing ? farming ? houseworking ? with family ? at church ? marketing, packaging and peddling meat ? riding ? posting invoices ? invoicing post-its ? Finally after years of thinking about being home full time, I am. So why I am having such a hard time leaving my kitchen table this morning when there is so much to be done ?

Oh good. The grandson has arrived. My focus has returneth.


  1. It's called ADJUSTMENT! :) Good luck to you, it's the right thing to do. That is my goal too "just" to work full time on the farm.

  2. Wow you just described how I felt when I left the Navy. I signed the final paper and the guy at the desk simply said:" that's it; you're done." I walked to my car with such uneasiness and realized no one gave a rat's ass where I was or what I was doing or how my uniform looks.

    Yours is on a grander scale! I knew I was going into the police academy...you have your whole life ahead of you. I am certain you will figure it out.

  3. Again you have brought me to tears. I miss you already and also have a feeling of anxiety about what lies ahead. It is hard for me to imagine the absence of your advice, experience, and grand stories in those early morning hours. Work will never be the same. In your words...We had a good run...lots of laughs, an occasional tear, and unforgettable friendships. Love ya...Jackie

  4. Praying you will adjust to not working and that God will provide and bless your farm! Karen/Abiga