Psychotic Soaper

Before I go any farther I need help finding someone. I'd like to do a general search before calling the authorities. You see, I've lost (Jeez, this is so embarrassing) one of my followers. There I said it. I don't know if it was something I said (most likely) or maybe a photo I posted, but one day I had 60 followers and the next day it was 59.

If I were a self actualized blogger who wrote purely for the intrinsic value this would not bother me, but truth is I am shallow, weak and insecure and the loss of this one follower makes me feel all wobbly inside. How will I carry on ?

Like this; so I have this huge soaping problem. HUGE. I cannot settle on any one recipe. After soaping for 7 months I am still experimenting. I cannot commit to just one recipe, one set of fixed oils, for my bars. Instead I am all over Soapville.

My first (and last ?) salt soap. Don't know what happened. I swallowed
all the directions exactly.

I make cold process, I make hot process. Last night I combined the two. Is that even legal ?!?! I did hot process on top and cold on the bottom. But then I started to fret. What if cold wanted to be on the bottom ? I did not even slow down enough to ask.

With CP on top and HP on bottom, I was very excited when I seemed
to get the frosting topping looking pretty good.
Then I remembered I forgot to scent that part. Two out of three
ain't bad you Meatloaf.

 I use organic ingredients and natural ingredients (dirt is natural right ? ) I use essential oils , because you essentially have to be a millionaire to afford them) and I use fragrance oils. Yes I am aware that fragrance oils are made by toddlers in the country of Babalinka who work  for just three euros a day but I can't help it, I love the smells !  I use pure ingredients like pink clay to color my soaps most of the time but once, please don't tell the purist police, I did use a pink crayon. I know, I know, Just beat me but it wasn't really my fault anyway. I was coloring my kitchen cabinets and it sorta just fell into my hot oils. Normally I use paint to touch up cabinets but after spending all my money on EO's I had to use crayons.

See those gaps between the layers ? After making this lavender soap
I learned you should SPRAY alcohol between the layers instead of
SIPPING  alcohol between the layers. Details. Details.

And don't even get me started on oils. Too late. I've gone the unrefined Shea Butter from Free Trade Africa route all the way to...Canned Crisco from pay for trade grocery store employees. Yes I am aware of the evilness of this action but I had to try it.One nice HARD bar and great lather but I smelled like McDonald Fries when I got out of the shower. After that I went back to the Lard from our pigs. Really turned out to be a fantastic soap ingredient. Hard white bar with creamy lather and it felt good to use as many parts of the hogs that we butcher as we can instead of wasting so much of it.

 I blame all you other professional soapers out there. You know who you are with your Dublinesque glitter tops , your perfect spoon swirls, your gorgeous hand made wooden market stands, your 296 layers of colors in one 3.75 oz bar, not to mention your one night stands with Mr B.Berry all in the name of "research." One of you even thought it would be a good idea to start a  little Flickr group so I could drool over thousands of soap bars far better than mine. Thanks a lot you sadist you.


This soap was made with certified organic lard, raw cows milk
and ALGAE. Spirulina is a corkscrew shaped alga whose
dried powdered stems make a great soap colorant. This bar sold
out quickly at The farmers Market. I called it Boot Camp Soap.



I just feel I have to keep trying all these good, bad, ugly green things so I can really be satisfied when I finally settle down. I mean did YOU Marry the first guy you ever dated ? Oh....sorry.

One habit I have been very consistent about is my labeling. Whatever is in the soap goes on my label which turned out to be the best equalizer of all. If I am not proud of my ingredients then I better not be selling the soaps made with the funky stuff. So I didn't. All the bad soaps got made into Donkey washing soap, laundry soap or liquid dish soap. Which might explain why we have pink crayon tinged plates and undies.



Tea tree and peppermint CP soap. Smelled great, looked great
until the heat from the gel phase burned some of the
Peppermint leaves making it look like garlic bread.

 So I continue on with this new less than perfect love of mine. Trying to keep the bubbles out, the moisture in , the scent pleasant, the gel phase uniform,  I  will venture forth until I can commit to a recipe I can be proud of. One that ideally won't include a pound and 1/2 of sea salt. Maybe I should try that pond salt recipe instead.

Love contests ? Love soap ? Check this out
@Productbody is giving away $75 in handmade soap + body products. Enter via FB Like and/or tweet. Details: http://bit.ly/mF6sGR

Soap; exfoliator or death machine ?

Soap from another day. Another much better day.

So I admit it. My multitasking skills are slipping. How do I know ? This is how I know. I wanted to write. I also wanted to make soap. I did not have time to do both.  But then...I had an idea. I put a bunch of bars into the crock pot on low (or so I thought) with enough water (or so I thought) to rebatch. I then went upstairs to write while the muse beckoned. Soon, the muse left as phones rang, and doors slammed and voices chattered from the nether floors below. Dogs barked, donkeys brayed and nursing piglets slurpped.  I tried to concentrate but failed, so I threw in some laundry and the Muse returned. Smell of Tide I guess.

I wrote. Then it came time to get other work done downstairs. Husband sitting at the kitchen table. Says nothing about the soap. I then notice the crock pot is unplugged. Hmmmmm, and the sides of the crock pot are covered with soap yet the counter is clean. I begin the interrogation.

-Did it bubble over ?
-What?
-The Soap, I specify.
-Oh yeah, but just about a cups worth.

I wonder why he didn't just tell me when it happened so I could stir it down and save some of the soap. Then I remembered the last time he interrupted me when I was writing. I almost "rebatched" him. No wonder he didn't brave the staircase to (hardly) heaven. I picked up the glass lid of the CP and the stoopid thing slipped out of my grasp and broke on the counter. Now I am ticked.

But I say nothing. I'm not sure but I don't think he had anything to do with the crock pot lid breaking. Then do you know what he says ? He says,

-Are you hurt ? 

Can you believe that ?! He doesn't even ask about the soap. I mutter that I am indeed OK and I clean up the glass. Then I grab a spoon and start stirring the soap. Hey, this stuff looks good. And it smells fantastic but there are still a couple hard chunks so I try to break them up. Dang things are rock hard. I mean ROCK hard. Waaaait a minute. That's not hard soap that's big chunks of glass. In my going to be beautiful rebatched soap.

To insult my soaps injury Keith informs me.

"You can't use that soap Hon. Just throw it out"
Why ? I ponder to myself. WHY CAN'T I ? ITS MY SOAP ISN'T IT ?!

Then I fast forward to the future. A man walks up to me at my first soap show. His arms are hemorrhaging.

-Ma'am ?
-Yes Sir. Did you come back to buy more soap sir ? Me grinning goofy like.
-Why no ma'am. I think theres' glass or something in here. It hurt awful bad when I was washing up.
- Glass ? In my soap? Not possible. You must be overdosing on your coumadin and you scrubbed too hard
-No ma'am. I don't take any medications. It was your soap. I wasn't bleeding before I started to use it and now I am.
-(Slightly irritated now cause I KNOW it was good soap) Sir ? Did you read the ingredient list on my soap ? Does it say "glass" anywhere ? You know, like "essential glass"?
-Well, no ma'am it didn't. (shuffles feet) I must be wrong. He walks away. Dripping blood on my nice table cloth.

I call an ambulance anyway.

YES. I threw away all the soap.
YES. I peaked at it in the garbage 3 hours later. It set up real purty. I knew it would.

Scruba scruba scrub

Grandson Wesley has been well taught by his mommy to wash his hands after using the loo. He hops off the toilet, literally he HOPS off it like he's vaulting off the horse in an Olympic Competition, and then says to himself "scruba-scruba" as he goes to wash his hands. Or maybe its "washa-washa", well something like that. Since January when I started on this new venture of soap making, he and sisters have enjoyed being my official soap testers. They tell me they like all the soaps which is why I make them my official testers.

Two batches this week done once again very late at night when my good friend Insomniasia visits me. The first is not so much my style, being all very foophy-girly-pinky-smelly-magnolia-like.

But I had great fun creating the wavy tops and designing the packaging which is nothing more that a $5 set of scrapbook papers of numerous designs. These papers are the perfect weight for soap packaging and my computer printer handles it well. My next batch was pure genius...someone else's genius. I found a hot process soap recipe for oatmeal soap. So I whipped it up but then decided to add a little bit more. You're surprised ? Aren't you the very same commoner who told me just last week I have a problem with things being "good enough"?

Therefore I added a little somethin', somethin' to the oatmeal recipe. I added vanilla, and some honey and...some brown sugar. Yeah, I did. I had read somewhere that adding sugar to soap recipes can increase lather or was it moisture ? Either way I added and mixed but not too much mixing because I love texture and inconsistency. The final product was this:

Is it a cake  ? Badly decomposed Irish Peat ? Or soap good
 enough to make you want to have your mouth washed out with it ?

As the soap was setting up in its mold, a very high tech mold I made from an empty diaper wipe container, I sprinkled some oatmeal on top. After it hardened overnight I cut it into these yummy bars:

Why yes I did for a brief, unkind but hilarious (to herself) moment, think about serving one of them to Keith for breakfast with a nice hot cup of tea but I stopped  said self. If anyone needs to clean up their act, it's me, not him.